


My Heart's an Autoclave

by Holly (spaciousbear)



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-01 13:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16766341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaciousbear/pseuds/Holly
Summary: In the dark hallways of Dino’s mansion, bartering for favors was as natural as breathing. It was there that Ash learned that everything had its price, from the food on his plate to the tear-soaked pillows on his bed. He quickly began to understand that being hungry, tired, or cold was far better than being indebted to someone who could provide.Sometimes, Ash has nightmares. Eiji knows better than to ask what they're about.





	My Heart's an Autoclave

**Author's Note:**

  * For [geckoholic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/geckoholic/gifts).



Ash learned early on how to tell the difference between want and need. 

His first lesson was at three years old: he wanted his mother, but her absence remained a constant mystery to him. As time passed, it progressed - he wanted Griffin to stay with him, together in the lonely home they shared. He wanted his father to tell him everything would be okay, to protect him. By 11, all he wanted was freedom, a place he could call home. When Dino took him in, Ash wanted to fight off every advance, to scream and destroy everything in his path. 

In the dark hallways of Dino’s mansion, bartering for favors was as natural as breathing. It was there that Ash learned that everything had its price, from the food on his plate to the tear-soaked pillows on his bed. He quickly began to understand that being hungry, tired, or cold was far better than being indebted to someone who could provide. 

Want was a greedy, covetous thing. It took without asking and it never asked for forgiveness. It meant expectation. 

And Ash needed to survive. 

He learned to want nothing and to need as little as possible.

* * *

He had woken from another one of those dreams. His clothing drenched in sweat, Ash still shivered, like a thousand pinpricks against his skin, like the memory of a thousand hands that had passed over him. 

Pushing away the damp covers, he stood. He couldn’t stay still, and so he paced across the floor of the bedroom to the window overlooking the city. The window whose strategic voyeurism kept him close, still, to Dino. A small glance over to Eiji’s bed told him that the other boy was awake. It wasn’t any movement that betrayed Eiji’s awareness - rather, it was his silence.

He’d taken to memorizing the sounds around him at night, even now. The quiet breathing, the rustling of the sheets, that’s what Ash expected, and the stillness was unnatural. This kind of calculated silence Ash knew well, the attempts to make himself breathless and quiet, to disappear. The hope that if he was quiet enough not to be seen or noticed, he may be spared, that he might sink into the bed rather than be approached. 

“I’m sorry I woke you, Eiji,” Ash said, breaking that terrible silence. 

Eiji did not attempt to hide his wakefulness. Instead, he sat up in his own bed and rubbed gently at his tired eyes. 

“Are you all right, Ash?”

“I’m fine, I just couldn’t sleep. It’s not even morning yet, there's no reason for you to be awake.”

Ash turned back to the window, but his view of the city was interrupted by Eiji’s approaching reflection in the glass. 

“If you want to talk about it…” Eiji’s voice was gentle in its suggestion. Ash didn’t turn to meet his eyes; Eiji’s soft gaze was already able to see too much, even when reflected back at him. 

“I don’t need to talk about anything,” Ash said. 

“No. But maybe it would help anyway.”

“Go back to sleep.” 

Eiji lingered, only for a moment, before turning to climb back into bed.

* * *

_Sometimes, Ash dreamed of Marvin. Small shards of memory that embedded themselves into his subconscious, refusing to be expelled. He dreamed of being discovered, cold and hungry and alone, a stray cat in a dirty alley._

_A dark motel room with starchy, itchy sheets. The smell of urine. A red blinking light on a camera._

_A voice that asks, “Does that hurt?”_

The next time Ash woke from a nightmare, he couldn’t shake it away. He was frozen in his bed, the panic paralyzing him. He wasn’t sure how long he was there before he could finally move. Limbs trembling, he pulled himself upright. 

His eyes traveled to Eiji immediately. He was safely in his sights, asleep, and Ash felt comforted by the sound of his steady breathing. Eiji’s form seemed small on the large bed he occupied and Ash stared at the empty space around him. His legs moved before he could consciously choose to stand - the adrenaline told him to move, so he did. He paced the room, footfalls quiet as he stalked to the window, crossed to the opposite side of the room, and back to his bed. He looked at Eiji again before closing the distance between their beds. 

Eiji stirred slightly with the sound of Ash’s approach but did nothing more. Ash stood at the edge of his bed, uncertain of why he was there. Eiji turned, still half asleep, and pulled at the bedsheets. It could have been an accident, an unconscious twitch of his hand, but when his eyes opened to look up at Ash, heavy-lidded as they were, it became clear it was an invitation. 

Ash sat down on the bed and already his trembling began to subside, soothed somehow. After a few minutes, he stretched himself out onto the bed, fully taking up the space that had been offered to him. Nothing was said between them. 

There was still space there, the bed large enough to accommodate both of their bodies with several inches to spare. Ash stared at the open space, a gaping chasm, with Eiji’s hand across it resting at his side. Ash’s hand moved, only a little, but stopped within a fraction of an inch of making contact. Eiji completed the motion and took Ash’s hand into his; gently, he locked their fingers together. 

“Do you know why I came to New York?” he asked suddenly. Eiji’s eyes stayed focused on him as he gave a small shake of his head. 

“You wanted to leave home.”

“There were other cities I could have run off to. Boston is closer - a lot of places I could have gone. But my mom is from New York, and ever since I’d heard that, I had it in the back of my mind… I guess that I’d find her here. Stupid, isn’t it? There are millions of people here. Needle in a haystack.”

“It’s not stupid to miss your mother.” 

“Every day I wonder if I’ve passed her by somewhere, as strangers. I feel like I’d have to know her when I saw her, but honestly I probably wouldn’t have a clue. But sometimes I wonder if maybe she’s the one that recognized me, that she saw me for what I am. If she was disgusted with me.”

“That’s impossible, Ash. If she saw you for what you are, she would be filled with regret. For not staying.” Eiji’s hand tightened around his, and Ash blinked a few times, considered the words caught in the back of his throat before swallowing them back down. 

They slept and when Ash woke, their hands had become disentangled but their fingertips were still touching. Ash was gone from the bed before Eiji could wake to the same sight.

* * *

_Sometimes, Ash dreamed of Shorter. Wild eyes, crazed under the drugs he’d been given, but full of anguish. The way his body swayed like a flimsy marionette under someone else’s control._

_But not always. Sometimes he dreamed of his hearty laugh and those eyes sparkling with mirth instead of madness. The inviting warmth of Chang Dai, so full of chatter, family, and the aroma of food. The memory of walking in for the first time, a cold spot in a warm home, and expecting it to reject him like a pathogen. Shorter’s voice speaking to him with the same tone of affection he used with his own sister._

_A voice that begs Ash to set him free._

It was snowing. Ash sat near the window, watching it come down in large fluffy flakes, despite the chill that was creeping in through the glass. It wasn’t until he heard the familiar sound of Eiji standing up from the couch that Ash allowed his attention to be diverted. He didn’t say anything but the tired look in his eyes and his trudge towards the door told Ash he was retreating to bed for the night. 

Eiji was already asleep when he crept into the room. He was huddled up beneath the blankets; he didn’t handle the drafty cold in their apartment as well as Ash did. Despite that, the covers on one side of his bed were neatly folded back. An offer, one that was made and never spoken. One that Ash knew better than to consider, but couldn’t help but be drawn to. He accepted. 

Hours later, he woke up with his face tear-streaked and a tension in his muscles telling him to fight. It was harder to hide this from Eiji in such close proximity, so Ash didn’t try to pull it all inward. When he finally opened his eyes from the dream that had trapped him, Eiji’s voice was already in his ear. 

“It’s okay, Ash. You are safe. You are here with me.”

Ash almost wanted to laugh, it was absurd. But the truth was, he did feel safer in some small meaningless way when he heard it. He turned onto his side to face Eiji and he was reminded of how close they were on the bed. 

“My life doesn’t work that way. I’m never safe.”

“You are right now. Nothing will hurt you.”

Ash hesitated, and Eiji took the opportunity to stretch his arm outward. Ash shifted his body to accommodate it, curled into the embrace before he even allowed himself to second-guess. Eiji closed his arms around Ash, and the hug felt warm and comfortable. Safe.

“When I first met Shorter, he told me that I looked like the angel on some cheap Christmas card his sister had sent him. It was so stupid,” Ash let out a scoffing, bitter laugh. “But after that, he always found a card with some doe-eyed blond angel on it and had it sent to me on Christmas. He’d write in it too - something like ‘her tits are bigger but the resemblance is uncanny. 8 out of 10.’” Eiji laughed softly at that and Ash smiled at the memory himself. 

“It was stupid, but it always made me laugh. I never told him that. Maybe I should have.” 

Ash thought about the snow wafting downward outside, settling in for a brief picturesque moment before it was disturbed by the lives moving about around it. The perfect backdrop for a Christmas card that would never be sent.

“I don’t think anyone had ever compared me to an angel before, not even when I was a kid.”

“I miss him.” Eiji said what Ash couldn’t bring himself to. 

“Yeah,” Ash agreed. 

* * *

_Sometimes, Ash dreamed of Eiji. His dark, soft eyes losing their light and becoming empty because Ash was too late to save him. A future that hadn’t come to pass yet, but seemed more inevitable every day._

_Sometimes he dreamed of Eiji soaring over the wall, a wingless bird suspended in the air, safely out of Ash’s reach._

_Things he feared even more than the rest. The sweep of his eyelashes as he fell asleep, the smell of his hair and his clothes. How warm his hands were, how well they fit into Ash’s own. Feeling the invincibility that comes from having nothing left for the world to take from you. And then finding something._

_A voice that promises to stay by his side forever._

It was morning and Ash woke with his head resting on Eiji’s chest, his head tucked just under his chin. It was disorienting at first, to wake up so close to someone, but when he breathed in he only took in the clean scents of shampoo and detergent - nothing like the mornings that reeked of blood and sex and dirty motel rooms. He shifted his weight and felt Eiji’s arm, which he had just now realized was wrapped around his shoulders, loosen, allowing him freedom to move. Ash tilted his head upward and caught the tail end of Eiji’s gaze as he shifted it into a defiant smirk. 

“Awake now, I see,” Eiji commented. “Still early for an Ash Lynx morning. Thought I might have to drag you over to the tub again.”

Ash glared at him through the messy cocoon of sheets that had formed around them then planted his face back into Eiji’s chest, any motivation to move lost in the soft fabric of his shirt. There was a buoyant shake as Eiji chuckled and then the feeling of hands gripping at his shoulders and nudging him. 

“You are so heavy, I’ll be trapped here for hours if you fall asleep again.”

Eiji nudged at him once more. Ash pursed his lips as he shifted, lifting his head from Eiji’s chest, but not pulling away. They were close enough to converse in whispers, close enough to feel the warmth of his breath on his skin. Ash paused there and instead buried his face in the crook of Eiji’s neck.

“Fine, you win. I was going to make breakfast, but I suppose you are not hungry.” 

Ash took a moment to consider but rolled aside to give him space to move. Eiji slipped out from under him and placed a gentle hand against his back as he breathed a soft sigh. 

“You can go back to sleep for now. I will make something for us to eat.”

Ash’s eyes trailed after his path to the doorway. Eiji’s departure had woken him up fully, and the space next to him already felt cold. He thought of the look Eiji had been giving him as he slept, a look of longing that felt so unfamiliar. Eiji _wanted_ but expected nothing. He took nothing that was not freely offered to him. Ash waited only a moment before he stood up and followed. In the kitchen, Eiji busied himself pulling pans out of the cabinet, noisier perhaps than he needed to be, as though a distraction from his own thoughts. When he heard Ash approach, he cast a look over his shoulder, a sad smile. 

“Impatient now? It will not take long.”

This thing between them, whatever it was, hovered in the atmosphere even as neither acknowledged it. It was like they were enclosed in a bubble, fragile and prone to burst with any sudden action. But Ash had never taken to being enclosed, no matter how beautiful a cage it was. If it was going to burst, it might as well be now. 

It looked for a moment that Eiji was going to continue his teasing but his smile faded as soon as his eyes met Ash’s. 

“What is it?” his expression was focused, searching. 

Ash took several steps forward, barely able to slow to a stop once he’d reached the spot Eiji stood. In one fluid motion, he brushed a hand against Eiji’s cheek before cradling his chin, tilted his head upward and kissed him. Eiji closed his eyes and leaned into it, a muffled sound of relief his only response. There were a hundred things Ash wanted to say but words were inadequate tools for the job and he needed Eiji to understand. 

Their mouths were closed as their lips pressed together, skin to skin, but it felt so much more than the kiss they’d shared back at the prison. That had been a transaction, a means to an end. Ash was kissing Eiji now because he wanted it. In that moment, it was all he wanted and it filled him up like the warmth of the sunshine, like what he’d conceived of happiness in a distant memory. 

Ash didn't know when he forgot whether happiness was a want or a need.

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the song "Autoclave" by The Mountain Goats.


End file.
